things and fully surrender

Dear Guys,

  Good to write here. Maybe it's an opportunity to summarize my minds... things are hard nowadays. I will explain everything.

   I've already chosen Jesus Christ and to follow Him. But it doesn't mean I never have difficulties to stay on His way. His way is narrow. I've got some big "things" (difficulties-situations) which I can't arrange by myself. Or I could arrange on my human mind but it won't be okay because maybe I'd choose bad way.

   1. thing: there's something in my life what I feel I can put into God's hands hard. I've already put it, but... I feel I'm still dealing with it, so I feel I have to put again. Because of some reasons this thing is especially important for me. I can say that... maybe too important. And one other thing: I think this thing isn't God's will. 

   2. thing: another difficulty. I have a friend, one of my friends who are very close to me. I have something what I feel I have to say to her - something what is maybe a big mistake. 

   There're other things too but I write just these.

So. If I want to follow my Lord from my whole heart, there couldn't be things what I can't put into His hands. It's VERY hard! 

"I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me." Galatians 2:20

Maybe nowadays it is the hardest thing I've read, the hardest things what God have asked me for. "It is no longer I who live". 

Maybe with human way of thinking we can't understand it. It's higher than our minds.  

Surrender. Surrender, fully. It's a very very hard thing. 

People can do it just if they have already accepted God's love, the salvation. Because people who have eternal life, and know God; also know that He's the Love and His want is perfect. 

I feel that maybe this thing isn't a hard commandment - maybe if loved God more, I  would do it easily.

   What a sad thing: I have to confess, that... my love isn't as much as I thought. I would like to have as much love that I could trust God from my WHOLE heart. 

   The thing what I keep very important, means a lot for me. But I couldn't allow it to be more important than God. I have to put it into God's hands. 

BUT I FEEL LIKE I WOULD PARTLY DIE! Because I have to give up (of course give into His hands)  MYSELF.

    Myself is too big. And maybe I don't let Christ be as big as myself. I've already put EVERYTHING into His hands and now I'm here - I have to do it again. Of course my life is in His hands and it won't change. But I have to put these things into His hands.

    I have to know that I have to be capable of living without this things I keep so important. Because God's our only real needy. 

    I know " being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;" (Philippians 1:6)

Other things makes this decision even harder.

I would like to speak with someone about it. But someone who understand me and listen to me and doesn't stop me just listen to me.

    Jesus, without You I'm noone and I'm lost - But with You everything is okay. Because You are the Love, You are the eternal life. You are everything. Please forgive me I couldn't decide yet. Please help me to decide. The thing I've written about is very important for me. But... if I think I couldn't live without it, it's a really bad mind. Because You're Everthing. I love You. I'm sorry my love is small. I want to love You from my whole heart. <3

Thank You for make me realise that how small I am.

   Guys, thank you for read it. It was long.